Bill Gates and GM

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology

 over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be

driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of

 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that

weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.

 In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive

a car that crashes four times a day?"

Nurse Nancy

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.

''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards.

Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten

 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!''

''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, “earlier this week I told her to give

a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''

All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.

''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!''

 

College Grads

A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?" A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that.”

Satan's Plan

This one is not really all that funny, but it’s

just something everyone needs to read and know.

Had to share this one!!

SATAN'S MEETING: (Read even if you're busy or offended!!!) 

Satan called a worldwide convention of demons. 

In his opening address he said, 

"We can't keep Christians from going to church." 

"We can't keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth." 

"We can't even keep them from forming an intimate relationship with 

Their savior." "Once they gain that connection with Jesus, our power

 over them is broken." "So let them go to their churches; 

let them have their covered dish dinners, BUT steal their time,

 so they don't have time to develop a relationship with Jesus Christ.." 

"This is what I want you to do," said the devil: 

"Distract them from gaining hold of 

their Savior and maintaining that 

vital connection throughout their day!" 

"How shall we do this?" his demons shouted. 

"Keep them busy in the non-essentials of life and invent innumerable 

schemes to occupy their minds," he answered. 

"Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, and borrow, borrow, borrow." 

"Persuade the wives to go to work for long hours and the husbands to 

work 6-7 days each week, 10-12 hours a day, so they can afford their 

empty lifestyles." "Keep them from spending time with their children." 

"As their families fragment, soon, their homes will offer no escape 

from the pressures of work!" 

"Over-stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that still, small

voice." "Entice them to play the radio or cassette player whenever they 

drive." To keep the TV, VCR, CDs and their PCs going constantly 

in their home and see to it that every store and restaurant in the 

world plays non-biblical music constantly." 

"This will jam their minds and break that union with Christ." 

"Fill the coffee tables with magazines and newspapers." 

"Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day." 

"Invade their driving moments with billboards." 

"Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, mail order catalogs, 

sweepstakes, and every kind of newsletter and promotional 

offering free products, services and false hopes.." 

"Keep skinny, beautiful models on the magazines and 

TV so their husbands will believe 

that outward beauty is what's important, and they'll become 

dissatisfied with their wives. " "Keep the wives too tired to

 love their husbands at night." "Give them headaches too! " 

"If they don't give their husbands the 

love they need, they will begin to look elsewhere." 

"That will fragment their families quickly!" 

"Give them Santa Claus to distract them from

 teaching their children The real meaning of Christmas." 

"Give them an Easter bunny so they won't talk about his

 resurrection and power over sin and death." 

"Even in their recreation, let them be excessive." 

"Have them return from their recreation exhausted." 

"Keep them too busy to go out in nature and reflect on God's creation.

Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, plays, concerts, and 

movies instead." "Keep them busy, busy, busy!" 

"And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip 

and small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences." 

"Crowd their lives with so many good causes 

they have no time to seek power from Jesus." 

"Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their 

health and family for the good of the cause." 

"It will work!" "It will work!" It was quite a plan! 

The demons went eagerly to their assignments causing Christians 

everywhere to get busier and more rushed, going here and there. 

Having little time for their God or their families. 

Having no time to tell others about the power of Jesus to change 

lives. I guess the question is, has the devil been 

successful in his schemes?

You be the judge!!!!! 

Does "BUSY" mean: B-eing U-nder S-atan's Y-oke? < 

Please pass this on, if you aren't too BUSY!

Almighty God

Caller ID   

On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working
late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home.  It was about
10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. 

The pastor let the phone ring many times.  He thought it was odd
that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try
again in a few minutes.  When he tried again she answered right away.  He
asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't
rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their
merry ways. 

The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church
office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night.  The man
that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night.

The pastor couldn't figure out what the man was talking about.
Then the man said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer." The pastor
remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that
he'd intended to call his wife. 
 
The man said, "That's, OK.  Let me tell you my story.

You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but
before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to
do this, give me a sign now.' At that point my phone started to ring.  I
looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'.  I was afraid to
answer!"

The reason why it showed on the man's caller ! ID that the call
came from "Almighty God" is because the church that the pastor
attends is called Almighty God Tabernacle!!

Too Smart

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and

 I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry

waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation

was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to

answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

 She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he

agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and

Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry,

 after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal

wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains

thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's

 eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog

 does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and

excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade,

I got the last seven questions wrong......

Sensative Beer

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are

Real Watch Dog

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that

guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the

bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging

him around his head. Everyone stopped what they

were doing and stared. The other customers were

taken aback and some were very upset at the way

the animal was being treated. One of the tellers

ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!”

The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing

- just looking around”

 

Girls are Evil

First we state that girls require time and money :-

Girls = Time x Money

And we know that time is money :-

Time = Money

Therefore :-

Girls = Money x Money

Girls = (Money)^2

And because 'money is the root of all evil'

Girls = (Evil)^1/2 x (Evil)^1/2

Girls = Evil

A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An 

angel (or diva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the 

reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?" 

The Christian replies, "My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: 

I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me 

and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserved to enter Heaven."

"OK," replies the Angel. "Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance 

examination before you can enter." The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel 

asks him: "How do you spell God?" It is an easy question, and the Christian 

passes through the Gate.

Next came the Muslim, who says, "I had not done any good or evil things during 

my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too 

should enter Heaven." The Angel replies, "It sounds OK to me, but I have to give 

you a test also. How do you spell Allah?" The Muslim passed the test.

Finally, it is the Buddhist's turn, who tells the Angel, "I had done all the 

good things in my life and I followed Buddha's five precepts: I never killed, I 

donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss or my 

customers." The Angel replies, "That is very good, but there are no exceptions. 

You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in." Thinking that the test 

should be simple, he agrees to take the test. 

The Angel then asks him: "How to spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?

Military Warnings

Stand by when you hear the five most dangerous things in the marine corps: 

1.a private saying, "i learned this in basic training..."

2.a sergeant saying, "trust me, sir..." 

3.a second lieutenant saying, "based on my experience..."

4.a captain saying, "i was just thinking..." 

5.a sergeant major chuckling, "watch this s***..."

A Lawyer in Hell

 A lawyer died and was sent to hell for his numerous misdeeds. Satan decided to 

give him a guided tour and let him choose the room he wanted to stay in for all 

eternity. 

The first room Satan brought him to be full of people standing on their heads 

in four feet of hot coals. The lawyer decided that such living conditions were 

not for him. 

Next, Satan showed him a second room filled with lost souls standing on their 

heads in four feet of sharp ice cubes. The lawyer said he was sensitive to cold 

and could not spend eternity this way. 

Satan then showed the lawyer the final room. This room had countless sinners 

and criminals standing upright in four feet of cow dung. All the people were 

drinking coffee. Although the stench was overpowering, the lawyer liked the 

sight of coffee and decided upon this room. 

Five minutes after Satan locked the lawyer into his final abode, the 

supervising demon walked into the crowd and shouted, and “Coffee break is over! 

Everyone back on their heads!"

Aspiring Yogi

An aspiring Yogi wanted to find a Guru. He went to an Ashram and his preceptor 

told him, "You can stay here but we have one important rule: all students 

observe Mauna or a vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak in 12 years." 

After practicing for 12 long years, the day came when the student could say 

his one thing or ask his one question.

He said: "The bed is too hard."

He kept going for another 12 years of austere discipline, meditation and 

silence and finally got the opportunity to speak again. He said: "The food is 

not good."

Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words 

after 36 years of practice: "I quit."

His Guru quickly answered: "Good, all you have been doing anyway is 

complaining

The 2nd Grader

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?" Her 

mother told her, "God sent you." 

Did God send you, too?" asked the child. 

"Yes, Dear," the mother replied. 

"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted. 

He sent them also," the mother said. 

"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child. 

"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently. 

"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years! 

No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here.

The Heaviest Element

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at
Yale's Research Center. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no
protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have
one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons 75 vice- neutrons and 11 assistant
vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held
together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium caused a
reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in
less than one second.

Administratium has a normal life of approximately three years, at which time
it does not actually decay but, instead, undergoes reorganization in which
assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places.
Some studies have shown that the atomic weight usually increases after each
reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium
occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points
such as government agencies, large corporations, universities and hospitals and
can actually be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium
can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.     

a young engineer

A young engineer was leaving the office at 6:00 pm
when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder
with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "This is important, and my
secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the
machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the

machine. "I just need one copy."     

Overworked

I have found out the real reason why I'm tired, because I'm overworked! The
population of this country is 237 million: 104 million are retired. That leaves
133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48
million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. 4 million are in the armed
forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the
14,800,000 people who work for the city and state government and that leaves
200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 people in hospitals so that leaves
12,000 to do the work. Now there are 11,998 people in prison. That leaves 2
people to do the work, You and Me...
AND YOU'RE SITTING THERE SCREWING AROUND ON MY JOKE PAGE!      

Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine ... " the boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she
stopped in to see you."

     

STAFF NOTICE - TOILET POLICY

Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide more
consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours, thus ensuring
effective time management & equal treatment of all. In the future, the doors to
all toilets will be equipped with computer linked voice recognition devices,
which can only be activated to open at the
sound of a person's voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management
with 2 voice prints, one in normal tone & one under stress/desperation.

The following rules shall also apply:

1. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 22 toilet trip
credits.

2. Once toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will
not unlock to your voice until first day of next month.

3. All cubicles are to be equipped with timed roll extractors. If stall
occupied more than 3 minutes, alarm will sound. Paper will retract into
dispenser 30 seconds later and toilet will flush and door will open.

4. If toilet remains occupied, your photo will be taken and appear on TOILET
OFFENDERS board.

5. Anyone caught smiling will undergo counseling.

6. Be advised that workers comp insurance does not cover any injuries incurred
while trying to stop toilet paper retracting into dispenser, or keep door from
opening.     

Lose Your Job

One day, a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a 

street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him 

and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most

popular attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the

keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another 

one. The mime accepts the offer.

So, the next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla 

suit and enters the cage. He

discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun 

of people, and he draws larger crowds than he ever did as a mime on the street.

However, eventually the crowd tires of him, and he tires of just swinging on 

auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the lion in 

the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to 

the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top of the 

lion's cage.

Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd

loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a 

raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps

taunting the lion, the crowd grows larger, and his

salary keeps going up.

Then, one day, when he is dangling over the top of the

lion's cage, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion raises himself up and prepares to pounce. The

mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage

with the lion in hot pursuit.

Finally, the mime starts screaming, "Help! Help me!"

The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds him flat on his back 

looking up at the angry lion. The lion says, "Shut up, you idiot, or we'll both 

lose our jobs!"     

My Daughter

My daughter called me at work to say I received a call from "Josh" at the bank 

regarding my account. So, I called my bank and the operator asked me what Josh's 

last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his last name. 

When she asked for his department, I said that I didn't know. 

"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she told me rather 

sharply. 

So I asked her for her name. 

"Danielle," she said. 

"And your last name?" I asked. 

"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give last names."     

Revelations 3:30

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. 

All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, 

but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he 

took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. 

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the 

collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening 

his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter. 

Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. 

If any man hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will 

dine with him, and he with me." 

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was 

afraid, because I was naked."