The Heaviest Element

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at
Yale's Research Center. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no
protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have
one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons 75 vice- neutrons and 11 assistant
vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held
together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium caused a
reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in
less than one second.

Administratium has a normal life of approximately three years, at which time
it does not actually decay but, instead, undergoes reorganization in which
assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places.
Some studies have shown that the atomic weight usually increases after each
reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium
occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points
such as government agencies, large corporations, universities and hospitals and
can actually be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium
can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.