Tuesday, December 20, 2005

PEST CONTROL

PEST CONTROL

A woman was having a passionate

affair with an inspector from a

pest control company. One

afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom

together when her husband

arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the

woman to her lover," into the

closet!", and she pushed him in the closet,

stark naked.

The husband, however, became

suspicious and after a search of the bedroom

discovered the man in the

closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from

Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?"

the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint

about an infestation of moths," the man

replied.

"And where are your clothes?"

asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself

and said,........ "Those little bastards

SENILITY

SENILITY

    An elderly man went to his

    doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting

    senile. Several times lately, I

    have forgotten to zip up."

    "That's not senility," replied

    the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to

    zip down

 

Father O'Malley answers the phone:

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is"

"This is the IRS. Can you help

us?"

"I can"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your

congregation?"

"He is"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the

church?"

"He will".

BROTHEL TRIP

BROTHEL TRIP

An elderly man goes into a

brothel and tells the madam he would like a

young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks

how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman.

"Don't you realize you've had

it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man.

"How much do I owe you?"

Finally! - a Blonde GUY Joke


A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange
noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his
wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says.
I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's
dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,
"Daddy! Daddy!
Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the
bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on
the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband,
"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around
naked scaring the kids!"

Progress or Not????


The Tomato Company

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three
kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes
an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum
wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise
you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer
nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand
that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without
an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm.
Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his
wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25lb
crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it! to a busy corner and
displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and
makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he
ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags
of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.
By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into
the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he
acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but
before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left
their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is
buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community
college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and
employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He
continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice
trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the
boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless
and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a
million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new
circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order
to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer
and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't
have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you
' d had all of that five years ago!"

" Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be
sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral: ..........................

Since you got this story by the internet, you're probably closer to
being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

Sad but True

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued...
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly.


He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......

"I would have gotten out today."

Really politically incorrect!!..but funny just the same

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE: PART I


1. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
~Juan-on-Juan.

2. What is a Yankee?
~The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

3. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
~The position of the dirt bag.

4. Why is divorce so expensive?
~Because it's worth it.

5. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
~One US leader.

6. What do you see when the Pillsbury-Dough-Boy bends over?
~Doughnuts.

7. Why is air a lot like sex?
~Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

8. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
~Because Janet Reno is her real father.

9. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians
in a room together?
~100 people who don't do dick.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE: PART II
(JUST WARMING UP!)

1. What do you call a smart blonde?
~A golden retriever.

2. What do attorneys use for birth control?
~Their personalities.

3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
~45 lbs.
4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
~45 minutes.
5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
~None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
~Through his chest with a sharp knife.

7. Why do men want to marry virgins?
~They can't stand criticism.

8. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
~Because those men already have boyfriends.

9. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
~After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

10. What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
~The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.

11. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
~The blonde, because she's 18.

12. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
~Because they have cotton balls.

13. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
~A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

14. What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
~"Are you sure it's mine?"

15. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
~Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

16. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
~Mace will do that to you.

17. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
~Everyone has the same DNA.

18. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
~Breasts don't have eyes.

19. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
~He walks around saying "Yo."

20. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
~Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE; PART III
(Just Great Stuff)

1. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
~"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
~A different bar.

3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded
baby?
~They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter
than the other?
~A speech impediment.

5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying
at half-mast?
~They're hiring.

6. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern
zoo?
~A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the
front of the cage along with... "A recipe".

8. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and
Southern fairytale?
~A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A
Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this, but..."

9. My, my, how times have changed.
Years ago...When 100 white men chased one black man,
we called It the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it the
PGA TOUR.

10. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
~No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.





Man Vs. Wife

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and
pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied,
In-laws."

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has
to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful
so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee
each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then
we don't have to wait as
long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next
day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an
early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake m e
at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece.

The Big Wheel

This one is long but a great one!


The Big Wheel

In September 1960, I woke up one morning with six hungry babies and just
75
cents in my pocket. Their

father was gone. The boys ranged from three months to seven years; their
sister was two.

Their Dad had never been much more than a presence they feared..

Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would
scramble to hide under their beds.

He did manage to leave $15 a week to buy groceries.

Now that he had decided to leave, there would be no more beatings, but
no food either.

If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that
time, I certainly knew nothing about it. I scrubbed the kids until they
looked brand new and then put on my best homemade dress. Loaded them
into the rusty old 51 Chevy and drove off to find a job.
The seven of us went to every factory, store and restaurant in our small

town. No luck.

The kids stayed crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I tried
to convince whoever would listen that I was willing to learn or do
anything.

I had to have a job.

Still no luck. The last place we went to, just a few miles out of town
was an old Root Beer Barrel drive-in that had been converted to a truck
stop. It was called the Big Wheel.

An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the
window from time to time at all those kids. She needed someone on the
graveyard shift, 11 at night until seven in the morning. She paid 65
cents an hour and I could start that night. I raced home and called the
teenager down the street that baby-sat for people. I bargained with her
to come and sleep on my sofa for a dollar a night. She could arrive with
her pajamas on and the kids would already be asleep. This seemed like a
good arrangement to her, so we made a deal.

That night when the little ones and I knelt to say our prayers, we all
thanked God for finding Mommy a job. And so I started at the Big Wheel.

When I got home in the mornings I woke the baby-sitter up and sent her
home with one dollar of my tip money--fully half of what I averaged
every night. As the weeks went by, heating bills added a strain to my
meager wage.

The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency of penny balloons and
began to leak. I had to fill them with air on the way to work and again
every morning before I could go home.

One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home and found
four tires in the back seat. New tires! There was no note, no nothing,
and just those beautiful brand new tires. Had angels taken up residence
in Indiana? I wondered.

I made a deal with the local service station. In exchange for his
mounting the new tires, I would clean up his office. I remember it took
me a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the tires.

I was now working six nights instead of five and it still wasn't enough.
Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no money for toys for the
kids.

I found a can of red paint and started repairing and painting some old
toys. Then hid them in the basement so there would be something for
Santa to deliver on Christmas morning. Clothes were a worry too. I was
sewing patches on top of patches on the boys' pants and soon they would
be too far gone to repair.

On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in the Big
Wheel. These were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim, and a state trooper
named Joe.

A few musicians were hanging around after a gig at the Legion and were
dropping nickels in the pinball machine. The regulars all just sat
around and talked through the wee hours of the morning and then left to
get home before the sun came up.

When it was time for me to go home at seven o'clock on Christmas morning
I hurried to the car. I was hoping the kids wouldn't wake up before I
managed to get home and get the presents from the basement and place
them under the tree. (We had cut down a small cedar tree by the side of
the road down by the dump.) It was still dark and I couldn't see much,
but there appeared to be some dark shadows in the car-or was that just a
trick of the night? Something certainly looked different, but it was
hard to tell what. When I
reached the car I peered warily into one of the side windows. Then my
jaw dropped in amazement. My old battered Chevy was filled full to the
top with boxes of all shapes and sizes. I quickly opened the driver's
side door, crumbled inside and kneeled in the front facing the back
seat.

Reaching back, I pulled off the lid of the top box. Inside was whole
case of little blue jeans, sizes 2-10! I looked inside another box: It
was full of shirts to go with the jeans. Then I peeked inside some of
the other boxes. There was candy and nuts and bananas and bags of
groceries. There was an enormous ham for baking, and canned vegetables
and potatoes. There was pudding and Jell-O and cookies, pie filling and
flour. There was whole bag of laundry supplies and cleaning items. And
there were five toy trucks and one beautiful little doll.

As I drove back through empty streets as the sun slowly rose on the most
amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was sobbing with gratitude. And I
will never forget the joy on the faces of my little ones that precious
morning.

Yes, there were angels in Indiana that long-ago December. And they all
hung out at the Big Wheel truck stop.....


THE POWER OF PRAYER. I believe that God only gives three answers to
prayer:

1. "Yes!"
2. "Not yet."
3. "I have something better in mind."

God still sits on the throne, the devil is a liar. You may be going
through a tough time right now but God is getting ready to bless you in
a way that you cannot imagine.

My instructions were to pick four people that I wanted God to bless, and
I picked you.

Please pass this to at least four people you want to be blessed and a
copy back to me.

This prayer is powerful, and prayer is one of the best gifts we receive.
There is no cost but a lot of rewards. Let's continue to pray for one
another. Here is the prayer:

Father, I ask You to bless my friends, relatives and email buddies
reading this right now. Show them a new revelation of Your love and
power.

I know I picked more than four, so can you.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Just Think About it

15 Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About :

1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would diefor you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they wantto be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if theydon't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
10. When you make the biggestmistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take alook: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, youprobably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself,probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about therude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel muchbetter when they know. 15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know thatthey are great.

A Minute: They say it takes a minute to find a special person, anhour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life toforget them.

Take the time .. to live and love.