Stones

Jesus is walking through a marketplace when he comes across a small crowd 

stoning a thief ... Jesus addresses the crowd and says "let he among you without 

sin cast the first stone" .. A man at the back of the crowd stands and yells 

"admit Jesus ... you always want to be first

Satan

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown 

got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the 

townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their 

families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone 

started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a 

frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. 

Soon everyone is evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman 

who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that 

God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. 

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Hey! 

Don't you know who I am?" 

The man replied, "Yep, sure do." 

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" 

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man. 

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of 

me?" 

The man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for 25 years." 

 

A Bad Day

You Need To Have a Bad Day to Get Into Heaven

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people 

who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the 

pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." 

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I 

came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but 

couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th 

floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went 

inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some 

bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed 

him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." 

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a 

crime of passion, he let the man in. 

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was 

awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th 

floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to 

grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started 

pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then 

the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" 

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to 

enjoy this job. 

"Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. 

"OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...." 

 

Oh-oh

Three young women wanted to become Nuns and be married to the church for the 

rest of their lives. So they went to the priest in charge and asked how they 

could become nuns. He replied that each one of them would have to take an 

oath.....and do one last horrible thing before they were officially a nun. He 

also said they had one day to complete this deed. They returned the following 

day. The priest asked the first nun what she had done and she told him that she 

had robbed a liquor store and gotten drunk than she had ever been. The priest 

smiled and said, "Well done; now you may go drink from the holy water." 

Then he asked the second women what she had done. She replied, "I stole a 

car." The priest smiled and said, "Well done; now you may go drink from the holy 

water." 

Finally, he asked the last woman what she had done. She replied, "......I peed 

in the holy water" 

 

Eve

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God..."Lord, I have a 

problem!" 

"What's the problem, Eve?" 

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and 

all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just 

not happy." 

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. 

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." 

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." 

"What's a 'man', Lord?" 

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous 

ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll 

give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. 

He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting 

and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad 

in the sack." 

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the 

catch, Lord?" 

"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition." 

"What's that, Lord?" 

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first." 

 

Redneck Defined

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub. 

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 

You and your dog use the same tree. 

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in 

prison. 

The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending upon how much gas 

it has in it. 

 

the laziest

 A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to 

trick them into doing some work for a change. 

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he 

announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?" 

Nine hands went up. 

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. 

"Too much trouble," came the reply.