Remember your psalms

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road 

he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in 

and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg. 

The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing 

gear lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says 

"Father remembers psalm 129."The priest apologizes profusely 

and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. 

Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for 

the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again. The Nun 

once again says "Father remembers psalm 129".Once again 

the priest apologizes "Sorry sister but you know the flesh is weak." 

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his 

way. Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks 

up psalm 129 it said: "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP 

YOU WILL FIND GLORY" 

doctors and laywers

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the 

other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took 

the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The physician kicked off his shoes, 

wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, 

"I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll 

get it for you." While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the 

physician's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other 

attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the 

physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney 

picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Physician returned and they all sat 

back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his 

feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this 

go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This 

animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

Tshirt

Dick Cheney

Corperate Office Prayer

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to 

change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those 

people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be 

careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I 

may have to kiss tomorrow.

 

Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual". The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow."

Liar Sermon

A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, ''Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark''.

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, ''Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands.''

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Then said the preacher, ''You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark.''

 

Mr. President

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

 

shoplifting

A man walks into a music store and wants to buy a good, old-fashioned vinyl record. He gets the record and is ready to check out when he discovers that he forgot his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decides to steal the record. So he sticks it down his pants.

Of course, the cashier spots him on the way out and says, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"

The man replies, "Well, it may not be a record but I haven''t heard any complaints.

 

Re: SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE: PART I

You may have already read this one but I just wanted to repost it to the front page:

1. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
~Juan-on-Juan.

2. What is a Yankee?
~The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

3. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
~The position of the dirt bag.

4. Why is divorce so expensive?
~Because it's worth it.

5. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
~One US leader.

6. What do you see when the Pillsbury-Dough-Boy bends over?
~Doughnuts.

7. Why is air a lot like sex?
~Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

8. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
~Because Janet Reno is her real father.

9. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians
in a room together?
~100 people who don't do dick.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE: PART II
(JUST WARMING UP!)

1. What do you call a smart blonde?
~A golden retriever.

2. What do attorneys use for birth control?
~Their personalities.

3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
~45 lbs.
4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
~45 minutes.
5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
~None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
~Through his chest with a sharp knife.

7. Why do men want to marry virgins?
~They can't stand criticism.

8. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
~Because those men already have boyfriends.

9. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
~After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

10. What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
~The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.

11. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
~The blonde, because she's 18.

12. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
~Because they have cotton balls.

13. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
~A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

14. What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
~"Are you sure it's mine?"

15. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
~Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

16. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
~Mace will do that to you.

17. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
~Everyone has the same DNA.

18. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
~Breasts don't have eyes.

19. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
~He walks around saying "Yo."

20. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
~Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE; PART III
(Just Great Stuff)

1. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
~"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
~A different bar.

3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded
baby?
~They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter
than the other?
~A speech impediment.

5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying
at half-mast?
~They're hiring.

6. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern
zoo?
~A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the
front of the cage along with... "A recipe".

8. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and
Southern fairytale?
~A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A
Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this, but..."

9. My, my, how times have changed.
Years ago...When 100 white men chased one black man,
we called It the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it the
PGA TOUR.

10. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
~No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

 

Brunet Meets Genie

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it

Blonde in a Swimming Race

A blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke swimming race across the English Channel. The brunette came in first, the redhead came in second and the blonde never finished.

When the blonde got in the lifeboat she said, ''I don't want to be a tattletale or anything, but the other two used their arms.''

 

We Don't Swerve Blondes Here

A cop pulled over a car for swerving all over the road. The blonde at the wheel looked very confused and scared.

"What's going on here, ma'am?"

"Well, I was driving along when all of a sudden there was a tree right in my path. I swerved to miss it, but there was another tree. And after that, another, and another." The cop looked inside her car and sighed.

"Ma'am. That's your air freshener.”

 

Valentine's Day Card Shopping

A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine's Day cards for her son and father.

The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded her.

She muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-husbands."

The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes m'am, they do, but they're in Sporting Goods."

"Really?" exclaimed the woman.

"Yes m'am. They're called darts.”

 

There was a man who loved his baked beans

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they always had an embarrassing and lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way hame from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.

On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home.

He went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans and all the way home he farted.

By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on.

Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and "Rriiipppp!" It sounded like a diesel engine and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for almost ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.

After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

 

Gary Condit's Clock

One day Gary Condit's wife died and went to heaven, and there she met Saint Peter. She started to look around and she noticed there were thousands of clocks everywhere. As she looked over at one it moved she saw that the hand moved just two ticks.

She asked Saint Peter, "Why are there so many clocks in heaven?"

Saint Peter answered, "Well, every time you tell a lie the clock moves one second."

Mrs. Condit said, "I think I get it, but which one is Gary's clock?"

Saint Peter answers, "God has it up in his office, he's using it as a FAN!"

 

Blond, Redhead and a Parrot

One day a blonde and a redhead were playing together over the redhead's house while the redhead's father was out. The father had a pet parrot, which he did not let anyone else touch. But, when he left, the girls took him out. The girls were playing with it, when the blonde grabbed the parrot and accidentally ripped out one of its wings. “Now you've done it!” the red head yelled at the blonde. “Go buy him another one just like that, here's some money.” The redhead went into her piggy bank and gave the blonde $50. “Okay,” said the blonde, “but it's going to hard to find a parrot with only one wing

The Smartest Dog Ever

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key.

 

blonds at a drive in

Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

They went to see ''Closed for the Winter'

 

Airplane humor

An airplane pilot had had a particularly difficult flight and a rough landing.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a ''Thanks for riding Delta Airlines.'' But, in light of his bad landing, the pilot had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, ''Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?''

''Why no, Ma'am,'' replied the pilot,'' ''what is it?''

The little old lady said, ''Did we land or were we shot down?'

 

The Italian

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”

 

The Cabbie

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest.  He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly:  "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results.  When you preached, people slept.  When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

New Popemobile

The Pope walked into a car dealership one day to buy a car. A young salesman came out just as soon as the Pope walked onto the lot.

''Hello, can I help you?''

''Yes, I'm looking for a car to drive to the Vatican.''

''We have a wide selection, as you can see. As soon as you find one you like, come get me.''

So the Pope looked around and found a really nice sports car. The Pope didn't have his checkbook, so he said he would come back the next day to buy the car.

The next day he came back and the car had pieces cut out all over the place. ''What did you do to my car?!'' the Pope yelled.

''I was just trying to make it holy for you, said the Salesman.

FW: Money & engineering

Subject: Money & engineering

A recently discovered mathematical formula now demonstrates with certainty
that to be incredibly wealthy we need know absolutely nothing and work only
as hard as we wish. The formula, based on two well known postulates, is as
follows:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As any first-year engineering student knows: Power = Work / Time
Since Knowledge = Power and since Time = Money, with substitution, we arrive
at: Knowledge = Work / Money.
Solving the equation for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of
the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

The Blonde and the Blinker

	Two blondes were driving down the road. The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''

Pervert Psychiatrist

This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like.

"A naked woman." He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question.

"A naked woman on a bed."

"You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims.

"I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"

A Lonely Jew in Catholic School

	A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send him to a private Catholic school. While there the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the marking period the boy got straight A's. So his parents asked him, "What motivated you to do so well in school?" He replied, "When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren't fooling around!"

If You Had What I Have

	A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!" So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other. "Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!" "You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says. "Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?" "50 cents."

Cloak & Dagger

	A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. Then he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room. He was now completely naked in the halls of the headquarters of the most powerful military organization on the planet. And he felt pretty ridiculous. Getting an idea, he walked naked and purposefully through the corridors until he reached the Research & Development laboratory. He walked in and saluted the Head Scientist. "I am here to report the partial success of the personal invisibility device!"

A Vow of ''Celebracy''

	The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He''s met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text ofthe Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master,he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every versionof the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a screamin the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An ''R''! They left out the ''R''." God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again,"It''s the letter ''R''... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

Porsche and Hedgehog

	What's the difference between a porsche and a hedgehog? A hedgehog has pricks on the outside!

Poor Old Man

	An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day" The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?" The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"

The Lone Drinker

	The Lone Ranger and his American-Indian friend Tonto come up to a small town after days of walking. The night is cold and they are both thirsty, so they decide to go have a drink at the local bar. A sign on the door of the bar reads “NO INDIANS.” The Lone Ranger says, to Tonto, “Sorry friend, but you will have to wait outside. Run around so you won't get cold.” So Tonto nods his head in approval, and begins to jog around the establishment. After about an hour and six whiskeys later, the Sheriff comes in to the saloon, strolls over to The Lone Ranger and says, “I've come to tell you that you've left your ‘Injun’ running outside!”