The Lord's prayer (Cleverly Done)

Our Father Who Art In Heaven.
Yes?
Don't interrupt me. I'm praying.
But -- you called ME!
Called you?
No, I didn't call you.
I'm praying.
Our Father who art in Heaven.
There -- you did it again!
Did what?
You called ME.
You said,
"Our Father who art in Heaven"
Well, here I am.
What's on your mind?
But I didn't mean anything by it.
I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day.
I always say the Lord's Prayer.
It makes me feel good,
kind of like fulfilling a duty.
Well, all right.
Go on.
Okay, Hallowed be thy name .
Hold it right there.
What do you mean by that?
By what?
By "Hallowed be thy name"?
It means, it means . . good grief,
I don't know what it means.
How in the world should I know?
It's just a part of the prayer
By the way, what does it mean?
It means honored, holy, wonderful.
Hey, that makes sense.
I never thought about what 'hallowed' meant before.
Thanks.
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in Heaven.
Do you really mean that?
Sure, why not?
What are you doing about it?
Doing? Why, nothing, I guess.
I just think it would be kind of neat if you got control,
of everything down here like you have up there.
We're kinda in a mess down here you know.
Yes, I know;
but, have I got control of you?
Well, I go to church.
< /SPAN>That isn't what I asked you.
What about your bad temper?
You've really got a problem there, you know.
And then there's the way you spend your money --
all on yourself.
And what about the kind of books you read?
Now hold on just a minute!
Stop picking on me!
I'm just as good as some of the rest of those people at church!
Excuse ME.
I thought you were praying
for my will to be done.
If that is to happen,
it will hav e to start with the ones
who are praying for it.
Like you -- for example.
Oh, all right. I guess I do have some hang-ups.
Now that you mention  it,
I could probably name some others.
So could I.
I haven't thought about it very much until now,
but I really would like to cut out some of those things.
I would like to, you know, be really free.
Good.
Now we're getting somewhere.We'll work together -- You and ME.
I'm proud of You.
Look, Lord, if you don't mind,
I need to finish up here.
This is taking a lot longer than it usually does.
Give us this day, our daily bread.
You need to cut out the bread.
You're overweight as it is.
Hey, wait a minute! What is this?
Here I was doing my religious duty,
and all of a sudden you break in
and remind me of all my hang-ups.
Praying is a dangerous thing.
You just might get what you ask for.
Remember,
you called ME -- and here I am.
It's too late to stop now.
Keep praying.  ( pause . . )
Well, go on.
I'm scared to.
Scared? Of what?
I know what you'll say.
Try ME.
Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.
What about Ann?
See? I knew it!
I knew you would bring her up!
Why, Lord, she's told lies about me, spread stories.
She never paid back the money she owes me.
I'v e sworn to get even with her!
But -- your prayer --
What about your prayer?
I didn't -- mean it.
Well, at least you're honest.
But, it's quite a load carrying around all that bitterness
and resentment isn't it?
Yes, but I'll feel better as soon as I get even with her.
Boy, have I got some plans for her.
She'll wish she had never been born.
No, you won't feel any better.
You'll feel worse.
Revenge isn't sweet.
You know how unhappy you are --
Well, I can change that.
You can? How?
Forgive Ann.
Then, I'll forgive you;
And the hate and the sin,
will be Ann's problem -- not yours.
You will have settled the problem
as far as you are concerned.
Oh, you know, you're right.
You always are.
And more than I want revenge,

 

I want to be right with You . . (sigh).
All right all right .
I forgive her.
There now!
Wonderful!
How do you feel?
Hmmmm. Well, not bad.
Not bad at all!
In fact, I feel pretty great!
You know, I don't think I'll go to bed uptight tonight.
I haven't been getting much rest, you know.
Yeah, I know.
But, you're not through with your prayer are you? Go on.
Oh, all right.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Good! Good! I'll do that.
Just don't put yourself in a place
where you can be tempted.
What do you mean by that?
You know what I mean.
Yeah. I know.
Okay.
Go ahead. Finish your prayer.
For Thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory forever.
Amen.
Do you know what would bring me glory --
What would really make me happy?
No, but I'd like to know.
I want to please you now.
I've really made a mess of things.
I want to truly follow you.
I can see now how great that would be.
So, tell me . . .
How do I make you happy?
YOU just did.

 

Baptizing a Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river.  He proceeds to walk into the water
and subsequently bumps into the preacher.  The preacher  turns around,
overcome by the smell of alcohol, and asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find
Jesus?"

 The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

 So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.  He pulls him up and
asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

 The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

 The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a
little longer this time.  He again pulls the drunk out of the water and
asks, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

 The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

 By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.  When the
drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.  The
preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

 The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are
you sure this is where he fell in?"

Rules for Manhood

Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1"

ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Wise Old Man

	A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Elementary, My Dear Watson

	Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

FIRED

This has got to be one of the funniest
I've heard of in a long time. I think
this guy should have been promoted,
not fired. This is a true story from
the WordPerfect Helpline which was
transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired, however he is
currently
suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support
employee (now I know why they record these
conversations):

Employee
"Rich Hall, Computer Assistance;
may I help you?"

Customer
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with
WordPerfect."

Employee
"What sort of trouble?"

Customer
"Well, I was just typing along, and
all of a sudden, the words went away."

Employee
"Went away?"

Customer
"They disappeared."

Employee
"Hmmm... So what does your screen
look like now?"

Customer
"Nothing."

Employee
"Nothing?"

Customer
"It's a blank; it won't accept
anything when I type."

Employee
"Are you still in WordPerfect,
or did you get out?"

Customer
"How do I tell?"

Employee
"Can you see the 'C:' prompt
on the screen?"

Customer
"What is a sea prompt?"

Employee
"Never mind, can you move your
cursor around the screen?"

Customer
"There isn't any cursor; I told you,
it won't accept anything I type."

Employee
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

Customer
"What's a monitor?"

Employee
"It's the thing with the screen on it
that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"

Customer
"I don't know"

Employee
"Well, then look on the back of the
monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it.. Can you see that?"

Customer
"Yes, I think so."

Employee
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug,
and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

Customer
"Yes, it is."

Employee
"When you were behind the monitor,
did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it
or just one?"

Customer
"No."

Employee
"Well, there are. I need you to
look back there again and find the
other cable."

Customer
"Okay, here it is."

Employee
"Follow it for me, and tell me if
it's plugged securely into the back
of your computer."

Customer
"I can't reach."

Employee
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

Customer
"No."

Employee
"Even if you maybe put your knee on
something and lean way over?"

Customer
"Oh, it's not because I don't have
the right angle, it's because it's
dark."

Employee
"Dark?"

Customer
"Yes - the office light is off,
and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."

Employee
"Well, turn on the office light then."

Customer
"I can't."

Employee
"No? Why not?"

Customer
"Because there's a power failure."

Employee
"A power.......a power failure?
.... Aha, okay, we've got it licked
now. Do you still have the boxes
and manuals and the packing stuff
your computer came in?"

Customer
"Well, yes, I keep them in
the closet."

Employee
"Good.. Go get them, and unplug
your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then
take it back to the store you
bought it from".

Customer
"Really? Is it that bad?"

Employee
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Customer
"Well, all right then,
I suppose. What do I tell them?"

Employee
"Tell them you're too stupid
to own a computer."

Constepation

What Do You call a Constipated Chinese Man?

 

            Hung Chow

 

What do you call a Constipated German?

           

            Farffumpupen