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A Senior Moment.... at 48

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and
something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid
a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change
when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever
said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen
discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of
change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said
cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet a mere
child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was
wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to
boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside.
I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in
front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A
toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with
utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving
keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the
ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried
another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging
from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview
mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back
seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten
doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien
vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved
to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I
felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled
and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be
found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into
the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and
black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this
point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and
then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a
young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was
holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left
this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little
boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff
like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes,
I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the
officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly
sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

FW: laugh of the day

 

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize… you need to fart..
 
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.  After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
 
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that’s when you remember:  You’ve been listening to your iPod.

Hot Wheels

Something you would not expect

 

 

http://www.newsweek.com/id/165377

 

 

Obama

 

Why is all of this going unnoticed by the media?  They send 100 reporters to Alaska to dig up something on Sarah Palin and they have this politically incorrect crap right in front of their eyes!        From Dreams of My Father:  'I ceased to advertise my mother's race at the age of 12 or 13, when I began to suspect that by doing so I was ingratiating myself to whites.' From Dreams of My Father : 'I found a solace in nursing a pervasive sense of grievance and animosity against my mother's race.' From Dreams of My Father:  'There was something about him that made me wary, a little too sure of himself, maybe. And white.' From Dreams of My Father:  'It remained necessary to prove which side you were on, to show your loyalty to the black masses, to strike out and name names.' From Dreams of My Father:  'I never emulate white men and brown men whose fates didn't speak to my own. It was into my father's image, the black man, son of Africa , that I'd packed all the attributes I sought in myself, the attributes of Martin and Malcolm, DuBois, and Mandela.'    And FINALLY the Most Damning one of ALL of them!!! From Audacity of Hope: 'I will stand with the Muslims should the political winds shift in an ugly direction.'    * If you have never forwarded an e-mail, now is the time to Do so!!! We CANNOT have someone with this type of mentality running our GREAT nation!!  I don't care whether you a Democrat or a Conservative. We CANNOT turn ourselves over to this type of character in a President. PLEASE help spread the word

 

 

Life....

Makes sense to me J

 

God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed. God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again. God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.           Want to do more with Windows Live? Learn “10 hidden secrets” from Jamie. Learn Now

Gratitude Get a Tissue

 

Gratitude A son asked his father, 'Dad, will you take part in a marathon with me?' The father who, despite having a heart condition, says 'Yes'. They went on to complete the marathon together. Father and son went on to join other marathons, the father always saying 'Yes' to his son's request of going through the race together. One day, the son asked his father, 'Dad, let's join the Ironman together.' To which, his father said 'Yes' . For those who don't know, Ironman is the toughest triathlon ever. The race encompasses three endurance events of a 2.4 mile (3.86 kilometer) ocean swim, followed by a 112 mile (180.2 kilometer) bike ride, and ending with a 26.2 mile (42.195 kilometer) marathon along the coast of the Big Island . Father and son went on to complete the race together.  View this: Click Here to View the View of the duo

 

 

 

FW: interesting facts

 

This really is interesting.......   "duh, I didn't know that."   "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand   And "lollipop"   is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)     No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.     "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". (Are you doubting this?)         Our eyes   are always the same size from birth,   but our nose and ears    never stop growing.        The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?       The words 'racecar,'   'kayak' and 'level'   are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.)         There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?)          There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u) TYPEWRITER     is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)     A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.     A goldfish    has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is.)     A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.     A shark   is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.     A snail    can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.!)       Almonds are a member of the peach   family.       An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that also)         Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.   February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.         In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.       If the population of China walked past you,  8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.         Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors       Peanuts   are one of the ingredients of dynamite!           Rubber bands last longer  when refrigerated.        The average person's left hand does 56%  of the typing.           The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.         The microwave   was invented  after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.)         The winter of 1932 was so cold that  Niagara Falls froze completely solid.       There are more chickens than people in the world.         Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.             Women blink nearly twice as much as men.       Now you know more than you did before!!

 

when i say

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean livin''
I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say.. 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain..
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

****************************

A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ
that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'

 

Maybe we should drop a few more pins...

I think it puts things into the appropriate perspective.
 
 

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was
 
 

asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an
 
 

example of empire building' by George Bush.
 
 

 He answered by

 saying, 'Over the years, the United States has
 
 

sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for
 
 

freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked
 
 

for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.
 
 

   You could have heard a pin drop.
 
 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
 

 A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that
 
 

included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and
 
 

French Navies.  At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with
 
 

a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those
 
 

countries.  Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their
 
 

drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas
 
 

Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.'  He then asked,
 
 

'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences
 
 

rather than speaking French?'   Without hesitating, the

 American
 
 

Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and
 
 

Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
 
 

 You could have heard a pin drop.
 
 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
 

 AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
 
 

 A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France
 
 

on a tour.  Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris
 
 

by plane.   At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his
 
 

passport in his carry on.  'You have been to France before,
 
 

monsieur?'  the customs officer

 asked sarcastically.  Mr. Whiting
 
 

admitted that he had been to France previously.  'Then you should know
 
 

enough to have your passport ready.'  The American said, 'The last time I
 
 

was here, I didn't have to show it.' 'Impossible.  Americans
 
 

always have to show your passports on arrival in France !'  The American senior
 
 

gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.
 
 

'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help
 
 

liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it
 
 

to.'
 
 

 You could have

 heard a pin drop

 

The Patriot Micro Chip

Introducing:

THE PATRIOT MICRO CHIP is intended to be implanted in terrorists.  

The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead.

When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God.

               

              

It comes in various sizes:

 

The Implantee may or may not be allowed to choose the size.  

The implant may or may not be painless.

Some bleeding and or swelling may  occur at the injection site.

 

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.

Best regards,

UNITED STATES MARINE CORP 

 

 

The Pastor's Cat

Hope the story leaves a bright spot in your day.

 Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor
 of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and
 then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk,
 etc.

 The kitty would not come down.

 The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor
 decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent
 down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

 That's what he did, all the while checking his progress
 in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree
 would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he
 moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

 The tree went 'bo ing!' and the kitten instantly
 sailed through the air - out of sight.

& nbsp;The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the
 neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten.

 No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.

 So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your
 keeping,' and went on about his business.

 A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one
 of his church members He happened to look into her shopping cart

 and was amazed to see cat food.

 This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he
 asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats

 so much?'  She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him

 how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.

 Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the
 Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat,
 I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out
 in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you
 won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came
 flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right
 in front of her.'


 Lesson learned: Never underestimate the Power of God and
 His unique sense of humor.'

Helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

FW: Subprime - The real story

This is something someone emailed me...


Several have asked that I explain what is happening in the sub-prime market and how this all came about. If you will download the attached file and click each slide, I think that by the end of the slide presentation, you will be an expert.

No more important than that

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17


Billy Graham was returning
to Charlotte after a
speaking engagement
and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there
to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get
into the limo,
he stopped
and spoke to the driver.

"You know"
he said,
"I am 87 years old
and I have never
driven a limousine.
Would you mind if I
drove it for a while?"

The driver said,
"No problem. Have at it."

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off
down the highway.
A short distance away
sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out
and easily caught the limo
and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door
and when the glass
was rolled down,
he was surprised to see
who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car
and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor,
"I know we are supposed
to enforce the law....
But I also know that
important people are
given certain courtesies.
I need to know what
I should do because
I have stopped a
very important person."

The supervisor asked,
"Is it the governor?"

The young trooper said,
"No, he's more important
than that."

The supervisor said,
"Oh, so it's the president."

The young trooper said,
"No, he's even more
important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said,

"I think it's Jesus,

because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"

Smile - God loves you!

Almost made me cry.

I posted something up on my website that is really makes you think

 

www.dustenharward.com

 

check it out;

 

Dusten Harward

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don’t use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10 Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd
time this week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

 

Drinking Buddies

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.

Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.

“Shawn,” said Pat, “can you hear me?”

Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.”

Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?”

”Yes, I do Patty,” Shawn strained.

“And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?” said Pat.

“Yes Patty, I do,” whispered Shawn.

''It's a very ‘old’ bottle now, you know,” urged Pat.

“And what are you gettin' at Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly.

“Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?”

Insulting Parrot

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.

"Yes?"

"You know."

Bride and Groom

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I''ll give you $100 if you''ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I''m supposed to promise to ''love, honor and obey'' and ''be faithful to her forever,'' I''d appreciate it if you''d just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom''s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom''s hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."